I think I made a mistake

In particle physics, every type of particle has an associated antiparticle with the same mass but with opposite physical charges (such as electric charge). For example, the antiparticle of the electron is the antielectron (which is often referred to as positron). While the electron has a negative electric charge, the positron has a positive electric charge, and is produced naturally in certain types of radioactive decay. The opposite is also true: the antiparticle of the positron is the electron.

Particle–antiparticle pairs can annihilate each other, producing photons; since the charges of the particle and antiparticle are opposite, total charge is conserved. For example, the positrons produced in natural radioactive decay quickly annihilate themselves with electrons, producing pairs of gamma rays, a process exploited in positron emission tomography.

Some particles, such as the photon, are their own antiparticle.

On a metaphysical level, I wonder if some of us are wired like photons. While biological organisms exist to survive, grow, and reproduce, our antiself exists for the sole purpose of, annihilating us.

Now the antiself can manifest in many forms. Maybe it's an unexplainable cancer that appears in a relatively healthy person. Maybe it's the drive to do violent things, spread hatred, live on fear over love. Maybe it's an internal, unexplainable saddness or takes form as a lingering black cloud overhead.

In which case our life is not so much about chasing our dreams, but rather running from a nightmare.

Having an antiself doesn't yield only disadvantages. We run, and transform the energy to accomplish extraordinary feats. We learn to accept the doldrum beats of this f*cked up world, appreciate any work we can find in order to avoid the poverty line. Sh*t becomes even harder when you've got a family to feed- kudos to my parents and all others who are strong enough to go this path. For many, it comes autonomously, as nature intended. Of course, we can take the alternate path, give a middle finger to the world and do the things we want to do and express our natural being.

but what happens when our creative, conscious, intellectual, and mechanical energy diminishes? We can try to go vegan, eat all organic, exercise, and try to physically outrun the antiself, but when we get tired, it is there waiting for you. We can turn to mind-altering substances which can offer a temporary relief, an altered state of mind where the brain is allowed to escape, but the antiself remains in the neighboring room, growing, and posed to attack once you descend to sobriety. Or we can try something cognitively stronger, escape to a world of fantasy/delusion: maladaptive daydreaming, books, film, video games, even religion. And when your conviction is strong enough, there is no difference between a belief and reality.

But the antiself often finds a way to come back. Its appearance is not logical, nor synchronous to life events; it's non-linear. You can try to strength it out for a bit, run some more or break-down. The antiself may leave you alone for a minute after gaining enough satisfaction in your suffering. You grow stronger from the ordeal, to which your antiself eagerly anticipates a worthier rematch, like a DragonTesticle Z fight.  

And you continue to use the avoidance as propulsion to do amazing things- but then it bares its ugly face around the next corner. And sometimes, the exhaustion is just too much. Anthony Bourdain. Robin Williams. Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

so what's the solution?? decades of empirical evidence suggests there isn't one- and no intuitive understanding of the antiself, nor outside inspiration or love from others can rid it- as the antiself is part of you. All that's left is to outrun this thing until both sides face the inevitable biological collapse. 

that's all i have to say until next time. thanks for reading and enjoy the tunes

[midlife crisis/existentialism/snide armchair philosophy/gladwellian nonsense snipped]

lol, j/k

who am i kidding

at this point I'm not chasing dreams anymore. just running from nightmares and finding temporary pockets of shelter.

because most of the time if there's something i want to say it's better said by someone else

placeholder post until the next placeholder post i guess...if time's infinite, then we are all just placeholders in this f*cked up world anyway

and they would be mostly wrong...relatively, flies may have a quick instanteous velocity- but overall the housefly moves at a sluggish pace of 4-5 mph. flies are just good at evading their predators. they've trully optimized their aerodynamic trajectory (hence why you need a tool with a relatively large surface area- like a flyswatter) and are unbelievably sensitive to change in air pressure (hence why you need a tool that is light and porous- like a flyswatter). natural selection has kept them alive...thank god for that!! flies are annoying and gross as hell (hence why no one gives a sh*t about harming them) but are the optimal test species for genetic engineering, furthermore- applying said observed knowledge translationally to more important avenues in science.  

well 2016 was just another generic year folks. nothing to write home about. maybe 2017 will be the year of the decade...(f*ck only 3 years left) That's what the Cubs said for over a century; that's what the city of Cleveland said for over a half century. you just have to put a few hot dogs on the grill, and a couple beers in the cooler, a half dozen potatoes in the oven, a pound of vegetables in the pot, etc. and hope for the best. 

goals?? f*ck 'em. live for today, and better yourself every day, too. the premise of modern society is built around saving up for retirement, while being caged in prisons of tradition and nostalgia; too little focus on the present. What does it mean to make America great again anyway...back to a time where we were a nation under the Blue Eyed Jesus or even further to a time where the lands weren't desecrated with high impact speedways, shopping malls, megamarts, and air overly concentrated with particulates?  

two central thoughts to take away from 2016:

1.) if you die on NewGrounds you die irl (careful). Good thing I've consistently been on NewGrounds since I signed up! unfortunately just haven't had the drive to be more prolific with uploading content (lol who cares) and reviewing/critiquing material (more important imo) for the past 4 years or so? the first few years of my logged NewGrounds time was spent primarily on writing reviews and audio production...that's become rather sporadic since 2010. not counting 2016, with my #sumirs3cjams project that's only halfway finished. I'll finish it up sometime this year and who knows what elusive artistic discoveries will be made afterwards...But there is one area I've been fairly active throughout my years in this fine, the blogging/commenting/social front. which leads me to my second point

2.) i'm just a plain guy inundated with second thoughts. should I pretend that I have goals as facade for success for the opposite sex (they always see through it)? should I have spent my money on this flatscreen TV ( i didn't)?? should I (have) chose a different academic path (i did and that's why i have several pedigrees)?? should I pay extra for a footlong at Subway (i always do)? should i make this blog post (we'll see now won't we)? the only thing that I *never* harbor a level of regret for is: the relationships I've forged, those of the past, those of the current, those both in this digital fantasyland and those in my cloudy visceral reality. let's continue to forge the great bonds and contribute together in making (keeping) NewGrounds great (again).

tell me your thoughts, NewGrounds. are you an individual of second thoughts?  if so, what for? or are you a NewGrounder of few waffles, who has always had a clear sense of purpose and direction in life?

temporary, sporadic chemical reactions that will never be enough

the only option is to fade back into a cloud of innocuity

peace out

so I went to update Vista (an old OS I know) and the system crashed in the process- corrupting the registry I presume, rendering my computer unable to boot. Not even in safe mode. Fortunately my HD (and my glorious gifs collection) seems to be unaffected. It still sucks, as I had some old software on there and the disks and original installers I don't have any more. A lot of my plugins, samples, presets, and whatnot for FL Studio were scattered all over the got damn place so it's gonna be a pain in the @ss to port old projects over...

I have a much better computer now. More modern. I welcome this new digital age where I can play flash games on high settings, listen to audio without crackling, watch YouTubes HD and experience no lag, and being innudated with videos won't f*ck up my social media feed...

sumirs3cjams has been postponed for this reason, amongst others. My  preferred recording software was on a disk, and I'm going to have purchase an optical drive to install it my new comp...it's old software, hopefully it works on Shekelsoft Windows 10. The OS looks and runs amazing btw, although I fully anticipate the oncoming issues that have been popularily associated with the prematurely released system.

I'd like to thank all who happened to checked the music of the sumirs3cjams out!! It was supposed to last a full year, as a testament to post a tune every week, for the sake of being artisically consistent. I think 4 and a half months was a good mark though. My intentions were an overall success. I'm also satisfied with the amount of views.

sumirs3cjams will be back! Jazz Standard July or Juleidoscope perhaps?? Acoustic August?? Synthetic September?? At the very latest the tunes will be back for Spooktober...

cannot say I would do a consistent annual project like this again, tho. From my perspective, art is best when it's spontaneously created, not when it's produced by a fixed deadline, especially at weekly intervals. I tried to have no inhibitions when recording- just take each session as a normal jam, but the sincere playing is quick to fade into a serious attempt at recording which was not my intent for the project! but overall it was a fun ride.

-sumir

Hello NewGrounders, and happy new year. Or as I like to say, have an absolutely splending, profound arbitary celestial orthogonalization day. No one day is inherently more important than the other and deserving of  special celebration. Each day has the potential to be beautiful or catastrophic. No point in making resolutions today when you could (should) have made them countless days ago and stop anytime you please.

in my previous post, I discussed #sumirs3cjams (hashtag included to make this project more hip and retweetable to all my followers). i have always intended to submit to the audio portal more, but regarded this as a place to showcase high quality works. or at the very least, made submissions that were applicable to be included in flash submissions. but there are two contradictions in this statement:  #1 my work pales in comparison to some of the audio greats that have graced this fine artistic establishment  & #2 I stand firmly by NewGrounds' (retired?) old slogan "everything by everyone" so regardless of the quality of your work, you should share it with others and look to improve yourself as an artist.

this project was partially inspired by Cyberdevil's "Project 2014, 2015, etc" over at the CyberDatabase. He's releasing a poem, lyric(s), or short bit of creative literature every day- consistently for the past 2+ years. I initially planned for creating new content for every day of the year, but that's overly ambitious; once a week is enough. Cyberdevil's primarily a writer who speaks through words and I'm primarily a musician who speaks through the highly interpretive sounds of  audible solo and sound. Not full tracks, or polished loops, but what I like to call "jams" of me improvising in one take over a  continuous 15-20 second loop (because that's the max time on my effects station). Nothing ground breaking, minimal external mixing, and a contrast to the more robust tracks I've primarily uploaded over the years. The idea here as well is to be profilic, to contribute something musically every week primarily for myself, and secondily to publicly publish some sick tunes for potential listening on the world wide web.

Reviews/comments always appreciated. I will check out your work too if you want so post your sick beats in this comment space below, please...I haven't made an audio review in 1 year WTF! or just chat it up. Woah it's a bit quiet around these parts. Fulfill what your temporary chemical reactions demands. That's all there ever is, if you think about it. No free will. No objective conscience or reality. No sentience. No science. No money. No emotions. Just interacting organic sludge that is slave to a series of temporary chemical reactions. If you think about it, it makes sense that music exists outside this realm and is the closest thing as to what we try to defy as life on this f*cked up sphere that was oh so conviently situated in the space which approaches infinity in four observable dimensions...

1. Midnight Haze

2. Beyond the Treetops

3. A Raven Lurks Above

4. Venice Car Garage

5. Drosphilia melanogaster

6. Between the Wheels and the Road

7. Since Love Immemorial

8. The Sherrif's Left Town

9. The Montenegrin Spy

10. I Wish I Knew Her Name

11. Suburban Sunset

12. Sympathetic Fallacy

13. That Boondock Bang

14. A Certified Hip Feel

15. Wack that Schmuck

16. Safe Haven

17. Day's End Blues

18. Soldier of Saigon

19. Dreaming Planet

20. Lost Summer Days

21. Slenderman Lurks

22. Throne of Beelzebub

23. Nosferatu Tales