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trying to outrun.

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2y 11m 10d

my facade is crumbling...

Posted by S3C - 3 weeks ago

In particle physics, every type of particle has an associated antiparticle with the same mass but with opposite physical charges (such as electric charge). For example, the antiparticle of the electron is the antielectron (which is often referred to as positron). While the electron has a negative electric charge, the positron has a positive electric charge, and is produced naturally in certain types of radioactive decay. The opposite is also true: the antiparticle of the positron is the electron.

Particle–antiparticle pairs can annihilate each other, producing photons; since the charges of the particle and antiparticle are opposite, total charge is conserved. For example, the positrons produced in natural radioactive decay quickly annihilate themselves with electrons, producing pairs of gamma rays, a process exploited in positron emission tomography.

Some particles, such as the photon, are their own antiparticle.

On a metaphysical level, I wonder if some of us are wired like photons. While biological organisms exist to survive, grow, and reproduce, our antiself exists for the sole purpose of, annihilating us.

Now the antiself can manifest in many forms. Maybe it's an unexplainable cancer that appears in a relatively healthy person. Maybe it's the drive to do violent things, spread hatred, live on fear over love. Maybe it's an internal, unexplainable saddness or takes form as a lingering black cloud overhead.

In which case our life is not so much about chasing our dreams, but rather running from a nightmare.

Having an antiself doesn't yield only disadvantages. We run, and transform the energy to accomplish extraordinary feats. We learn to accept the doldrum beats of this f*cked up world, appreciate any work we can find in order to avoid the poverty line. Sh*t becomes even harder when you've got a family to feed- kudos to my parents and all others who are strong enough to go this path. For many, it comes autonomously, as nature intended. Of course, we can take the alternate path, give a middle finger to the world and do the things we want to do and express our natural being.

but what happens when our creative, conscious, intellectual, and mechanical energy diminishes? We can try to go vegan, eat all organic, exercise, and try to physically outrun the antiself, but when we get tired, it is there waiting for you. We can turn to mind-altering substances which can offer a temporary relief, an altered state of mind where the brain is allowed to escape, but the antiself remains in the neighboring room, growing, and posed to attack once you descend to sobriety. Or we can try something cognitively stronger, escape to a world of fantasy/delusion: maladaptive daydreaming, books, film, video games, even religion. And when your conviction is strong enough, there is no difference between a belief and reality.

But the antiself often finds a way to come back. Its appearance is not logical, nor synchronous to life events; it's non-linear. You can try to strength it out for a bit, run some more or break-down. The antiself may leave you alone for a minute after gaining enough satisfaction in your suffering. You grow stronger from the ordeal, to which your antiself eagerly anticipates a worthier rematch, like a DragonTesticle Z fight.   

And you continue to use the avoidance as propulsion to do amazing things- but then it bares its ugly face around the next corner. And sometimes, the exhaustion is just too much. Anthony Bourdain. Robin Williams. Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

so what's the solution?? decades of empirical evidence suggests there isn't one- and no intuitive understanding of the antiself, nor outside inspiration or love from others can rid it- as the antiself is part of you. All that's left is to outrun this thing until both sides face the inevitable biological collapse.  

that's all i have to say until next time. thanks for reading and enjoy the tunes



Comments (10)

Beautiful as always, melancholy titles albeit...

maybe i should write something to go along with this, or the emptiness is better, not that I have the energy to do anything creative right now.

wow, NewGrounds has gotten a lot better in the past three months. looks good

i would defrag my head but brains are not contiguous (thank god)

You do speak well with the titles though. Also that last quote. Man. That's going in my quotes...

job accomplished then

We actually made the Supporter goal one of these months too! Maybe more than one. Feeling optimistic about this place.

congrats @Tom the future may be bright here after all...

Like a supernova!!!

blog edited now

Have you ever listened to music that has made you 'feel' like your facade is crumbling? Like the emotional resonance has directed your mood And confirmed/reinforced your present mindstate, tenfold?

Brian Eno for me.

But I have a plan. A cunning plan to bite that depression and flip the script on this mother. Although I don't see what flipping a script on a mother will achieve. Especially with the script flipped, all she will see is the blank side. How could that ever hope to inspire her?

hmm, I can't say I have. Music just allows me to make way for the suffering. Which i think is necessary sometimes to move on.

>not being green and printing on both sides

I am still suffering too, just in a completely different way than 10 years ago. 10 years ago I actually enjoyed and revelled in my depression because it brought with it the gift of deep thought and emotional turmoil that was needed to inspire ideas.

But fast forward 10 years and you realise that ambition is overrated. And everything that made you truly miserable kept you real, kept you thriving on your instincts, your paranoia.

Now the depression doesn't even feel real. And that in itself, is depressing.

wow, i really think you summed that up perfectly. I wish I had a more profound response to your comments

Real depressions derived from the notion that previous depressions were never really real hmm...

Regarding post above: it's like the scientific equivalent of yin and yang huh. Good and bad. Positive and negative. All polar opposites in all aspects of life, though unlike these particles the good and bad doesn't seem to necessarily cancel out each other (which would result in apathy), but rather weigh towards one or the other side, with fluctuating amounts and output. It seems it's possible to produce the required antibodies to whatever bodies are 'anti', in your body, by means of the correct stimuli. A positive experience = more positivity. So you fuel the good bodies and the bad ones are kept at bay. Always there, but never prevalent unless circumstance has it that you fuel them instead. Something bad happens. Things don't work your way. But ultimately, the mind seems to have the power to negate whatever balance you have, and flip it around entirely if you force it too. If you believe in something strongly enough. If you have a goal, and nothing can come in your way. Like a token. A little something sacred that enforces the good and keeps you on track. Keeps your mind focused on producing the good rather than the bad stuff. How else might certain people just seem to breath in positivity; thrive in light; progress with such ease while the rest of us easily fall prey to despair, and doubt, and other negatives? Conviction. Religion. Conditioning. Nutrition, too.

Though in particle terms ain't it ironic that negative ions are actually positive for us? Could take that as a metaphor, that in a way: some bad's necessary for us to appreciate the good, too. It's a cliche yes, that seems easily overpowered by the dark and dreary anti anti-anti weighing on the post above, but I believe that. Like nietz conveys: appreciate what the darker times can do for you. Though relying entirely on that darkness to move you forwards... maybe you lose sight of what truly matters and eventually the negative vibes overpower your drive... I don't know, I'm just abiding my time with a pion for rhyme. Searching for purpose, feeling weaker than I seem on the surface but convinced still that if we nurture the good it'll take us further. Kill kill murder. Bills pills girders. Still will hurdles. Grill ill burdens. Nill mill sermons. And blasphemy is this, you see, nothing short of bliss for me. Understanding that our wishes WILL make history.

Btw with that DragonTesticle Z fight bit... almost like a bit of positivity was breaking through. ;) Inspiring read though. Well-written. I'm feeling like maybe I'm feeling like nietz felt ten years ago, appreciating this darkness rather than being consumed by it... feeling that it fuels me rather than drains me... inspires, and gives me ideas, rather than takes from me... like it's contemplation that like this that keeps apathy at bay, and me awake, focused on something great, but I don't feel like I'm depressed. I appreciate the darkness when I know I'm not affected by it...? Like it's a temptation I can, at least right now, easily leave be. Like that anti-me doesn't even see me. Like I buried it deep; left it in a mean stream. And as time flows on, it's all the more distant; I feel free. Or maybe: when other people are in a darker place: appreciative that I'm not there...? Curiosity and appreciation: might be the secrets to keep that thing at bay. And feeling. Being sad can be a remedy. Apathy. That's the the real enemy.

@S3C Don't defrag. You've got talent in your wording. I think you should be doing novels.