hehe sike

I don't know what to say...

if I did, I'd be a writer. But I'm more of a musician or something

all I have to give is a stream of thought fragments...my introspective hell if you will

I try to be poetic and deep and funny and stuff

what is it, being sincere over serious

I'm just sleepwalking through life. Nothing is real

but I seek the surreal over what is real

lack imperative and that's the option

to milk the dream as long as you can...even when you are well-rested and it's time to wake up and face reality

and logic, rationality

facts don't care about feelings- it's a cold uncaring world

but what people deem as 'facts'...are often totally based on our feelings...it's called confirmation bias

I say that I act according to principle and innate duties

IOW: a veil to act like a pretentious jerk (not my words)

language is a necessary pragmatism but ultimately a prison

restricting and incapable of expressing pure sensation

which are just temporary, sporadic actions that will never be enough

the only option is to fade back into a cloud of innocuity

peace out

I'm close to peace

are you?

t

edit: t2

Since I've returned from my 'hiatus' in mid-December I've been attempting to conjure-up a poetic, elaborate, unavoidably cringeworthy in retrospect, biopic grand finale of a newspost for the 2010s but my ideas are increasingly fragmented and fleeting, like trying to recover lost patterns in sand beneath the shore. That won't be happening with this newspost. I believe reaching potential can be attributed to 10% circumstance (the financial and social situations one is born into, IQ/cerebral anatomy & physiology/natural talent, and the stochastic processes that propel our f*cked up world), 50% hard work, and 40% faith/inspiration/ability to tune out the noise. These factors have some degree of overlapping effect, and my bullsh*t detector (serving as noise-cancelling headphones) is at 5%. What I'm trying to state in a needlessly elaborate and muddled matter is: this newspost will not near its potential.

summary of 00s: despondent, ruing lost opportunities, exploring

summary of 10s: despondent, ruing lost opportunities, exploring

What I can say that is different, I've grown more sensitive and thin-skinned. 4chan-types and edginess was where it was at back in the day, now I'm an SJW atoning for past sins. On the norm I'd presume the opposite happens with age. Speaking of which, I wrote a lot of hella insensitive and embarrassing stuff back in the day; independent of intention, still insensitive and embarrassing. And while I get comfort in berating myself and the stuff I make, there's several poetic nuggets and quotables to be found among the rubble/cacophony.

NewGrounds remains my sole artistic outlet: yet the majority of my work, both written and audible, remains unpublished (on this website). The majority of my work is unfinished or hasn't approached its potential imo, hence its segregation in private, local hard-drive space. Collectively, infinitesimal value lost for NewGrounds and the Interwebs, but I'd like that to change purely for personal reasons. (Of course any feedback/listens/attentions is sincerely appreciated as always.) I think it would be fun and relieving to reflect and let go of any unfinished business of the 2010s, and prior to that.

my entire adult life has been enveloped in existential dread (a consequence of circumstance: coming from an overly-privileged life), and despite having decades of empirical proof that sh*t doesn't and won't get better, I still reserve a tiny portion of headspace for hope, as there are plenty of beautiful gems old and waiting to be discovered, in the form of science, art, good food, sexual energy, and most of all cherishable moments.

Here's to the wonders that await us in the 20s

temporary, sporadic chemical reactions that will never be enough?

the only option is to fade back into a cloud of innocuity?

peace out?

I think I made a mistake

In particle physics, every type of particle has an associated antiparticle with the same mass but with opposite physical charges (such as electric charge). For example, the antiparticle of the electron is the antielectron (which is often referred to as positron). While the electron has a negative electric charge, the positron has a positive electric charge, and is produced naturally in certain types of radioactive decay. The opposite is also true: the antiparticle of the positron is the electron.

Particle–antiparticle pairs can annihilate each other, producing photons; since the charges of the particle and antiparticle are opposite, total charge is conserved. For example, the positrons produced in natural radioactive decay quickly annihilate themselves with electrons, producing pairs of gamma rays, a process exploited in positron emission tomography.

Some particles, such as the photon, are their own antiparticle.

On a metaphysical level, I wonder if some of us are wired like photons. While biological organisms exist to survive, grow, and reproduce, our antiself exists for the sole purpose of, annihilating us.

Now the antiself can manifest in many forms. Maybe it's an unexplainable cancer that appears in a relatively healthy person. Maybe it's the drive to do violent things, spread hatred, live on fear over love. Maybe it's an internal, unexplainable saddness or takes form as a lingering black cloud overhead.

In which case our life is not so much about chasing our dreams, but rather running from a nightmare.

Having an antiself doesn't yield only disadvantages. We run, and transform the energy to accomplish extraordinary feats. We learn to accept the doldrum beats of this f*cked up world, appreciate any work we can find in order to avoid the poverty line. Sh*t becomes even harder when you've got a family to feed- kudos to my parents and all others who are strong enough to go this path. For many, it comes autonomously, as nature intended. Of course, we can take the alternate path, give a middle finger to the world and do the things we want to do and express our natural being.

but what happens when our creative, conscious, intellectual, and mechanical energy diminishes? We can try to go vegan, eat all organic, exercise, and try to physically outrun the antiself, but when we get tired, it is there waiting for you. We can turn to mind-altering substances which can offer a temporary relief, an altered state of mind where the brain is allowed to escape, but the antiself remains in the neighboring room, growing, and posed to attack once you descend to sobriety. Or we can try something cognitively stronger, escape to a world of fantasy/delusion: maladaptive daydreaming, books, film, video games, even religion. And when your conviction is strong enough, there is no difference between a belief and reality.

But the antiself often finds a way to come back. Its appearance is not logical, nor synchronous to life events; it's non-linear. You can try to strength it out for a bit, run some more or break-down. The antiself may leave you alone for a minute after gaining enough satisfaction in your suffering. You grow stronger from the ordeal, to which your antiself eagerly anticipates a worthier rematch, like a DragonTesticle Z fight.  

And you continue to use the avoidance as propulsion to do amazing things- but then it bares its ugly face around the next corner. And sometimes, the exhaustion is just too much. Anthony Bourdain. Robin Williams. Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

so what's the solution?? decades of empirical evidence suggests there isn't one- and no intuitive understanding of the antiself, nor outside inspiration or love from others can rid it- as the antiself is part of you. All that's left is to outrun this thing until both sides face the inevitable biological collapse. 

that's all i have to say until next time. thanks for reading and enjoy the tunes

[midlife crisis/existentialism/snide armchair philosophy/gladwellian nonsense snipped]

lol, j/k

who am i kidding

at this point I'm not chasing dreams anymore. just running from nightmares and finding temporary pockets of shelter.

because most of the time if there's something i want to say it's better said by someone else