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trying to outrun.

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Joined on 3/25/08

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In particle physics, every type of particle has an associated antiparticle with the same mass but with opposite physical charges (such as electric charge). For example, the antiparticle of the electron is the antielectron (which is often referred to as positron). While the electron has a negative electric charge, the positron has a positive electric charge, and is produced naturally in certain types of radioactive decay. The opposite is also true: the antiparticle of the positron is the electron.

Particle–antiparticle pairs can annihilate each other, producing photons; since the charges of the particle and antiparticle are opposite, total charge is conserved. For example, the positrons produced in natural radioactive decay quickly annihilate themselves with electrons, producing pairs of gamma rays, a process exploited in positron emission tomography.

Some particles, such as the photon, are their own antiparticle.

On a metaphysical level, I wonder if some of us are wired like photons. While biological organisms exist to survive, grow, and reproduce, our antiself exists for the sole purpose of, annihilating us.

Now the antiself can manifest in many forms. Maybe it's an unexplainable cancer that appears in a relatively healthy person. Maybe it's the drive to do violent things, spread hatred, live on fear over love. Maybe it's an internal, unexplainable saddness or takes form as a lingering black cloud overhead.

In which case our life is not so much about chasing our dreams, but rather running from a nightmare.

Having an antiself doesn't yield only disadvantages. We run, and transform the energy to accomplish extraordinary feats. We learn to accept the doldrum beats of this f*cked up world, appreciate any work we can find in order to avoid the poverty line. Sh*t becomes even harder when you've got a family to feed- kudos to my parents and all others who are strong enough to go this path. For many, it comes autonomously, as nature intended. Of course, we can take the alternate path, give a middle finger to the world and do the things we want to do and express our natural being.

but what happens when our creative, conscious, intellectual, and mechanical energy diminishes? We can try to go vegan, eat all organic, exercise, and try to physically outrun the antiself, but when we get tired, it is there waiting for you. We can turn to mind-altering substances which can offer a temporary relief, an altered state of mind where the brain is allowed to escape, but the antiself remains in the neighboring room, growing, and posed to attack once you descend to sobriety. Or we can try something cognitively stronger, escape to a world of fantasy/delusion: maladaptive daydreaming, books, film, video games, even religion. And when your conviction is strong enough, there is no difference between a belief and reality.

But the antiself often finds a way to come back. Its appearance is not logical, nor synchronous to life events; it's non-linear. You can try to strength it out for a bit, run some more or break-down. The antiself may leave you alone for a minute after gaining enough satisfaction in your suffering. You grow stronger from the ordeal, to which your antiself eagerly anticipates a worthier rematch, like a DragonTesticle Z fight.   

And you continue to use the avoidance as propulsion to do amazing things- but then it bares its ugly face around the next corner. And sometimes, the exhaustion is just too much. Anthony Bourdain. Robin Williams. Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

so what's the solution?? decades of empirical evidence suggests there isn't one- and no intuitive understanding of the antiself, nor outside inspiration or love from others can rid it- as the antiself is part of you. All that's left is to outrun this thing until both sides face the inevitable biological collapse.  

that's all i have to say until next time. thanks for reading and enjoy the tunes



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