I've just awaken from a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream, each one more slightly lucid than the next.
lol fug, i forgot what i was going to write
i blame the jewish sensationalist media
here, have a gif instead

>2013
>not getting an engineering degree
>being this retarded

I dont know what to say anymore...

...

mfw when i finally came to the realization that life is nothing more than a dick measuring contest, no matter how I look at it

and yes i am asian.

dont mind me, just another shitty nostalgic whiny post

i shouldnt complain, but honestly my life is boring as fuck

school sucks, i work a boring job, i have no time for a social life, which actually is not true, because i spend a lot of time on the internet doing menial and worthless activities, when i should be studying or if i'm not doing that spending it with friends/doing chores/working out/sleeping/doing something productive. i'm out of shape, and i'm most likely going to die old, fat, single, and miserable.

i miss taking music classes, but most of all I miss making music and uploading it to the newgrounds and the internet, but those days are long gone. i haven't found that creative spark in two years. sure i've improved overall as a musician, but it doesn't mean shit if i dont have any ideas or the patience to make a track. yadda, yadda, yadda. i'm jealous of all the fabulous musicians on Newgrounds, how they've grown over the years, how they're able to consistently produce great music and receive good feedback. i miss writing detailed reviews and reading the responses. i really miss all the fun i've had on NG from 2007- early mid 2010. I really feel like it's time to make an "official retirement" although that would be quite hypocritical of me seeing that I usually condemn people for doing so.

i'm about to finish the fifth year of college, and i -still- havent found out what i want to do yet. it all seems like an overall waste. am i enjoying myself? yes and no. i have accumulated so many freakin (useless) credits. this semester is going to be the longest, and i'm already feeling burned out at the end of the third week.

i guess i'll man up for the next 3-4 years. in the meantime, someone please entertain me-

.......

There is a difference between a wish and a desire. Every organism has the ultimate goal of growth or otherwise it would not be an organism. Its desire to reach its potential is never relinquished. When such a goal is achieved the organism no longer has a conscience, and is essentially "dead". But it is far from dead- death is just an insipid human concept the same way language, music, and religion are. The energy waves are used to build new organisms, which are the most powerful of all. Every sense is unified, soaking up energy like a sponge at an exponential rate, simultaneously while the senses become increasingly disconnected as the asymptotic growth returns to 0, only to continually perpetuate the cycle of binary abiogenesis. The goal is to ultimately connect each sense again. To be able to control every atom that resides with an organism, to borrow, share, mutate, and manipulate to reach the ultimate state, where organisms have control over every dimension and reality, and all wishes become attainable desires.

hopefully 2011 will be a little more musical production wise. I've been studying music at (community -_-) college (theory, some history, private lessons under one of the best guitar teachers and players in Arizona, and played in the jazz combo for the first time this semester-which I couldnt see myself doing a year ago). While I think the experience I've garnered in the past year have been very critical in moving forward as a musician (especially in performing) my main focus and passion that lies in producing and/or composing tracks hasn't yielded the results I've desired-or even nearly so. I've only submitted two tracks this year; 1 which was already made in 2009, and one which was just an improvisation over sorohanro's backing track for a Thelonius Monk standard. Output isnt really important but its frustrating to look back at previous years and see how productive I was and when my creativity really flourished. I miss having the inspiration and interest that I had in 2007-2009. I finish my fourth semester of theory this spring, and three years ago I thought to myself once I complete this program I'm going to reward myself with a better PC and high quality software-but if the ideas dont come back whats the point? hopefully they will. I believe inspiration and focus will come back at some point. I just want to be consistently comfortable with what I do music wise, and most of all, just appreciate and enjoy it. This zoloft doesnt work as well as it used to :|

...but really, fast PCs and good VSTs are mostly unnecessary. it can be nice to have good presets and templates when youre in the groove and dont want to hinder your workflow (compositionally especially) by worrying too much about creating a unique sound or getting the perfect levels. And sometimes IT IS necessary to acquire a specific sampled sound. But only a poor craftsmen blames their tools. I have a wide array of software, hardware, and sound libraries-more than enough resources to make amazing music. A good musician could utilize a tenth of what I have (which isnt much at all, actually) and still be able to innovate shit that I couldnt even create in my dreams.

That 'good musician' that I speak of is something I envy. How do they do it? There's plenty of them on Newgrounds. For example, they have no trouble continually scoring any type of music for whatever project that calls their name. And to me, it rarely sounds dry. Always inspired and illustrating fresh ideas. They also are continually improving, its great how fast some people here develop from their first unmixed, overused preset and stock sampled FL studio loops. That's why I dislike why some artists are so fast to delete their old stuff. 1.) its not a reflection of what music you make, its not like an instant "Beethoven" (yes I said Beethoven instead of Mozart, that guy fuckin trolls everyone) pill can be taken and WHAM youre able to make the best music from day uno, 2.) theres still merit in your earliest creations/people still will enjoy them and others may find your work useful and 3.) lol @ making your NG audio page some serious type of musical portfolio.

That 'good musician' is that 'confident guy' that I will never be because I'm a fucking pussy. Some people just dont have it them and if you try to be that type of guy, then ur doin it wrong. And I'm okay with that.

Back in 2008 I made a decision to drop out of one of the top business schools in the world. Because I fucking hated it and wanted to pursue a music degree even if it meant I had to work at Kinko's for a decade or two before I could support myself with an actual occupation relevant to what I freakin went to school for. So what? Sue me. You only get to live once, better do it right, and if I dont want to be another dollar sign generator faggot I'm not going to. Semi-ironically enough, I've finally *officially* decided on a degree path, which is on the opposite of the spectrum from what I've been studying all along. I have my associates in burger fli-err I mean fine arts + a boatload of electives. I'm going to be studying biological sciences which means taking mathematics classes from the beginning (I've forgotten everything since my first semester years ago) and adding the necessary biology, chemistry, and physic classes. Hopefully I'll have my bachelors after 7 years of college. How time flies. It just seems like the other day I was just watching Bob The Ball when I was a wee freshman in high school.

I also hope to update this blog much more often, I've got several newposts in the works that I would like to share with the NG world that hopefully will be quite interesting. But like my tracks, they probably wont ever get done by my standards.

alrite, well heres to a good new year. i love you all. and dont drink and drive

there is so many insecure fucks in this society who are ruled by their egos and will try to bring you down every chance they get. its important to just keep moving forward. Nothing is difficult if you just realize what really matters, try hard, and have patience. i promise. Finding the inspiration is the hardest part.

thats life