I feel like I need to make a massive change in my life. To regain some of the creativity (or more appropriately, appreciation) that I once had, whether it be in music, writing, programming, anything.
Not now though. I need to finish my last semester of college and finally earn this bachelor's degree. Mostly out of ego reasons.
Nobody truly loses their ability to be creative. They lose their appreciation for art, they may start thinking they're not good enough because they treat it as competition (which can be really hard not to do), the ego gets in the way. Without having that appreciation, I feel like I have a huge void in my life. I think it's become evident in my latest (and lack of) newposts, and my sporadic BBS posts even, which both are mostly two or three lines of tripe and half-assed attempts at being witty and/or funny, which I try to make up for by augmenting such with humorous gifs. I feel like I have lost my ability to churn out good reviews, and that's partly because my PC is fucked up and has trouble playing flash. Not to say that's any excuse, I stopped leaving reviews on a consistent basis back in 2009. But this "creative blockage" as some may see it is certainly not making me depressed like it would have 2-3 years ago, I have a good life, good health, I'm blessed to be where I'm at, things could be much worse than they could be better. I accept it for what it is, but I need to and deep down want to get rid of this feeling of emptiness.
I have a bunch of money saved up for grad school...but for what? So I'm more fit to apply for a job that pays me money, which in turn could never buy back what the job takes from you. Besides, I've literally been going to school my entire life, without a break. But wouldn't that just be further delaying some cultural obligation to get a "real" job? It seems most people my age have careers or are pretty damn close to it. I feel like any money people have saved now soon will become significantly diminished in its value, so its better to spend now on something you enjoy or find useful than hoard. Should I move out, far away? Find new friends, make a new life, finally have something to talk about other than the usual "not much. just been working and going to school". Quit my job? Which I've had forever, could probably get easily promoted with my experience and skills (comparitively speaking). I've grown tired of it, but got damn it's so convienient and I've gotten too comfortable with the environment.
I have an urge to buy a new warddrobe. Get tatoos. Get involved in social media (my interaction with friends in R/L is severly lacking) Revamp and restock my pitifully small collection of music. Buy a better computer, and lots of music production equipment. Maybe try to chase my dream of becoming a "professional" musician in some regard as I set out to do what seemed like just yesterday (http://suspended-3rd-chord.newgrounds.com/news/post/135856- note to all people, if you think of something every day, never give up on it, discipline yourself to practice and work at it consistently, I have no doubts I would be where I set out for had I practiced at a consistent level from when I was 19) All stuff I've literally been planning (and saving for) on doing for the last 6 years. Aside from that, there's plenty things I would want to do, become a science/math teacher, medicine & health, social worker, work in the gaming industry, fetish photographer, start a produce farm, become involved with a sports team, work in law enforcement...But I'm afraid I won't be able to regain that appreciation, and it will all go to waste, become immaterial, all the wasted effort will end up hurting me in the end. Truthfully, is there any solace to be had in atleast trying? anyways enough of this rambling and sloppy writing for now it's time for my korean head massage
SileNt-Sam
yay china
S3C
from Korea